Eurovision Song Contest Decision Making Tally Counting Act Judging Generator Machine 2009

I know you’ve all been waiting, and the moment has come.ย Here, in its fifth glorious year, is the ultimate Eurovision Judging Device.

Tweaked, honed and columnically irrigated to within an inch of True Awesome, this year’s version has never been known to fail. You can watch Eurovision, ESCDMTCAJGM in hand, and bask in the dual glory of knowledge with superiority – for you, yes you, will have the correct results, no matter what they say on television.

Excel version
PDF version

Regrettably I will be out for this evening’s shenanigans, but I can rest easy, knowing that if I were present I’d be having a brilliant time.

Eurovision Song Contest Decision Making Tally Counting Act Judging Generator Machine 2008

You’ve been clamouring for it, and now it’s here. Your ticket to Eurovision success is the Eurovision Song Contest Decision Making Tally Counting Act Judging Generator Machine. Honed to perfection over many years, the ESCDMTCAJGM has yet to fail1. It’s guaranteed2 to pick the right winner3.

I’ll be live-twittering the contest, so people might want to un-follow me to avoid the flood. (edit: or not, as twitter’s down atm)

  1. for certain definitions of ‘fail’ []
  2. for certain definitions of ‘guaranteed’ []
  3. for certain definitions of ‘winner’ []

Eurovision Song Contest Decision Making Tally Counting Act Judging Generator Machine 2007

Good news my friends! In time for this evening’s festivities, I present the revamped, renewed, rewound, recreational and rekindled Eurovision Song Contest Decision Making Tally Counting Act Judging Generator Machine 2007! This astonishing spreadsheet is guaranteed to predict the correct result1. Its results are statistically significant and holistically tumescent! Guaranteed results or your money back!

Its analytical methods have been immeasurably improved upon last year using a mixture of user feedback, psychological studies and capricious whimsy. Fewer Important Factors than previous years make for easier and faster tallying:

Amusingnessness
Innuendo
Campage
Catchiness
Chesticle / Mesticle size (main singers)
Chesticle / Mesticle visibility (main singers)
Cheesy Smiles
Clothy Sparkles
Croonage
Exposed Flesh (all on stage)
Lyrical Insanity

Viewable online here, and as an easily printable PDF.
If you want to alter it (why would you?): Excel and OpenDocument versions.

Here’s hoping for the triumphant return of Doctor Death and The Tooth Fairy. Have fun!

  1. in the hands of a skilled user []

Eurovision Dance Contest

But enough of politics and religion. On to the important stuff. We all know the Eurovision Song Contest is a highlight of any year, being a sublime mix of camp, sarcastic commentary and ancient nationalistic grudges. What could possibly improve this?

A spin-off Eurovision Dance Contest!

This new international production consists of a ballroom, latin and freestyle dance competition between mixed couples.

We should so get Morrissey to enter. It’ll apparently be broadcast by the BBC on 1st September. Via Strictly Come Blogging.

Bits and Bobs

What did you think of Eurovision? I was amused. The ESCDMTCAJGM didn’t perform so well this year, with Finland taking second place to Denmark, who barely featured in the final results. Nevertheless we had a fun evening, with copious amounts of cake and pringles.

I was very surprised to discover that pretty much nobody I know likes Green Wing. It wasn’t even indifference, it was actually ‘I don’t like it’. The general consensus was that it’s ‘too weird’. I didn’t see the first series at all, but my uncle suggested it and within three minutes of watching the new series I was completely hooked. I bought the DVD box set the next day, and every episode had me laughing out loud every few minutes. I’d say it’s one of the best ‘new’ comedies for years, and it’s bizarre that I’m so out-of-sync with people on this one.

Finally came out of a day-long slump this morning. I assume that at some point it’ll stop hurting when my ex doesn’t bother getting in touch at christmas / my birthday, but apparently not yet. It didn’t actually bother me on Friday, but for some reason started bouncing around my brain yesterday afternoon and wouldn’t go away. I think I’ve said before that this kind of thinking just spirals into all sorts of questions about whether she ever really liked me etc. – it’s not lingering breakup upset. Is this something you should be over before you see anybody else, or is it just one of those things?

We had the TV on in the background when the sadly-not-defunct Fathers 4 Justice invaded the National Lottery stage. Normally I’m in favour of anything that gets Eamonn Holmes off screen, but it was all a bit pathetic. It’s a shame that the BBC themselves reported which group was involved, as I don’t think it was obvious from the people running around on stage.

Just off to find a USB cable so I can link the PVR up to my computer. Apparently it’ll then be possible to record shows directly from Digiguide, which if it works will be great!

Three Eurovision Notes

  1. Ireland’s entrant is really Brian Kennedy?!
  2. Lorraine Kelly has been usurped by whippersnapper Fearne Cotton. I wonder if she’ll be standing in the middle of some empty street.
  3. According to the website – “In the final, the points will be given in a drawn order. The points 1 to 7 will appear on the score board all at once, while the 8, 10 and 12 points will be given by the spokespersons.” – I think this means that the voting procedure will now take less than an hour.

Eurovision Song Contest Decision Making Tally Counting Act Judging Generator Machine – 2006

I know you’ve all been waiting for it, and for the third consecutive year, here it is. The Eurovision Song Contest Decision Making Tally Counting Act Judging Generator Machine – 2006.

This stunning spreadsheet will1 allow consistent rating of Eurovision acts, and correct prediction of a final winner. Using categories carefully selected from psychology and a stunningly innovative High/Low rating system, this astonishing document is presented to you, the public, completely free of charge. The sheet includes all 24 entrants, in the correct order (information which, every year, seems to be some kind of state secret), denoted by remarkably arbitrary initials. Its track record is impeccable. The categories are:

  • Originality
  • Amusingnessness
  • Dance routine – energy
  • Dance routine – innuendo
  • Overall campage
  • Catchiness
  • Level of irritation
  • Size of chesticles / package
  • Visibility of chesticles / package
  • General exposed flesh
  • General clothing style
  • Croonage
  • Cheesy smiles
  • Lyrics
  • Cringeworthiness
  • Singing ability

I’ll pause while you catch your breath.

Excel version.
Openoffice.Org version.

  1. in the hands of a suitably skilled operative []

Birthday Fun

Yesterday was fun. It was slightly weird waking up and being on my own, but I got over that when two parcels were delivered ๐Ÿ™‚

I spent a fair bit of time deciding what to do in the evening. Last year there was a handy circus in town, but nothing obvious suggested itself this time. Eventually I spotted the local newspaper’s front-page article, which detailed how the local civic hall had taken down a Hilter-d poster for an ‘Allo ‘Allo adaptation:

the civic hall removed the posters to protect a local group with such a good reputation until weโ€™d spoken to them.

No more details were forthcoming – must be the local Nazi Youth. Whatever, the play was being shown that evening. Great! I was in Solihull at the time, so phoned to book tickets and got a message saying “leave your details and we’ll phone you back, or book online”. No option to wait, unfortunately. The online system wasn’t automatic – it just sent an email to the box office – but at least it would get my request into the queue. I got in 45mins before the time deadline, but didn’t hear anything back. When we arrived at the hall that evening they had no record of my reservation, and were full. So that was annoying. The Da Vinci Code was similarly fully booked, so we went to Pizza Hut instead ๐Ÿ™‚

Edit – I do the civic hall a disservice. I just found a voicemail on my home phone saying there were no tickets left. I don’t know how they got that number as I only gave them my mobile, but at least they did try to contact me.

I was then amazed to find that pretty much everybody there had pooled with my parents to get me a Topfield 5800 PVR! It has two freeview tuners and a hard drive so I can catch Lost while recording CSI:Miami, for example. It’s all set up now and is great indeed. Many thanks to everybody for that – I’m sure I’ll get huge amounts of use from it.

Today is all about Eurovision, and I’m going to a party this evening. Mum and Dad say that twenty years ago nobody would have considered admitting they watched Eurovision, but now it’s a big thing. Admittedly, I’ve had a couple of people look at me with barely veiled contempt over the last week, but other than that there seems to be a spirit of fun about the whole thing. Which is cool, because it is fun ๐Ÿ™‚ It’d be a great show to live-blog, but I’ll probably be expected to, you know, socialise or something. Come back later today for the twice-triumphant Eurovision Song Content Decision Making Tally Counting Act Judging Generator Machine, which I’ll first tweak using the latest statistical techniques and psychological writings.