Saturday News

There’re a lot of exciting announcements happening today:

There’s an incredibly comprehensive list over at wikipedia.

BBC News items that made me laugh at 0300

Article: Live sporting events could be screened in 3D in US cinemas by 2007 in a bid boost flagging mid-week ticket sales.
I like the journalism here. 3D how? With polarising glasses? As far as I know, I’m one of about six people on the planet who think that’s fun. I like how the rest of the article skips the 3D aspect, preferring to concentrate on sport in cinemas. It’s a bit like producing an article saying “soldiers on the battlefield will be given invisibility cloaks in a boost to stop them getting shot.” and then discussing how many soldiers get shot. I used to have an invisibility cloak, but I lost it1.

Headline: X Factor losers top album chart
Enough said.

Headline: Sea rise could be ‘catastrophic’.
Not catastrophic. No. ‘catastrophic’. Similarly, sea rise could be ‘belgian’.

Headline: Hundreds turn out for the World Pooh-sticks Championship.
Laughing in happiness, this time. This is just great. I also like that ‘Japan are defending their title’.

Must go to bed. These won’t seem half as funny when I’m awake, I’m sure. Apologies.

  1. not my joke. Stolen from digg. []

Changing the tone

Right – I think that’s enough religious debate for the time being. My brain’s spinning and I think I need a break 🙂 This calls for an overload of cute. D’awww.

Some old jokes that I’d forgotten, but are still funny:

My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He prescribed a strong placebo, but I don’t think it’s working.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Fish

Why did the blonde go to church?[Stretch arms out to sides] She heard there was a guy in there hung like this.


Why is anal sex better than oral sex?

Continue reading Changing the tone

An Insult

A genuine conversation I had yesterday:

[while discussing the aforementioned Virgin Digital 75 Bands image]
She: What are these matches?
Me: Where?
She: On the pavement
Me: They’re in a shape, aren’t they?
She: No, next to them
Me: Are you sure? Aren’t they pins?
She: No, I’m talking about the matches
Me: What matches?
She: Your face and my arse!
[cue hysterics from the other sofa as Mum and Dad fall about laughing.]

I’m told it was simply too good an opportunity to pass up 🙂

The wish list, maybe

You’ll need to view the larger image to see it properly, but this is what just appeared on my Amazon account:

An Interesting Amazon Recommendation

The top recommendation, based on my clicks, is “100 Naked Girls”. Believe it or not, I haven’t been searching for naked women on Amazon recently. Or ever, as far as I can remember. My most recent clicks were various toasters and saucepan sets, which aren’t terribly kinky. Hmmm, maybe the engine’s just really insightful 🙂

5 minutes later and the book has vanished, to be replaced with “Swan 16Pce Sainless Steel Cutlery Set”. Go figure.

Update: Turns out that somebody who bought one of the cutlery sets also bought this book. My new recommended item is ‘Shaven Angels 2’. Do you think somebody ordered porn with their cutlery, or cutlery with their porn?

“Boy who go to bed with sex problem on mind, wake up with solution in hand”

So I’m probably the last person on the internets to find It’s a repository of quotes from chatrooms, many of which are entirely filthy and non-pc, and I keep cracking up.

[andrewb] I’ve played the Expansion Pack for about an hour and a half, and I’m already boAGH GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MOTH

[UKDJ|Planet> I swear to god
[UKDJ|Planet] I’ve just heard a duck tell a joke
[Jock] o…k
[UKDJ|Planet] there was as group of ducks on a pond near where i live
[UKDJ|Planet] one of the ducks was quacking away looking straight at a group of like 10 ducks
[UKDJ|Planet] then he stopped and all the other ducks went mental
[UKDJ|Planet] it looked just like duck stand-up comedy

[gazzy] fucken dammit u know it’s a bad sign when you wake up and “I R 1337” is written on ur penis :/

I should really go to sleep soon.

Playing With our Food

Later, after a chance comment regarding the rumoured powers of cornstarch, a visit to Tesco was called for. We stocked up on cornflour, hoping it was the same thing, then proceeded to make one hell of a mess all over my kitchen…

Cornflour Experiment

The instructions in Penn and Teller’s How to Play With Your Food were to add a little water and ‘just play’. So we did. It’s such cool stuff! If you push your finger slowly the mixture sloshes like water, but if you scoop up a load it globs and you can roll it around. Once you stop it immediately ‘melts’ back into liquid and flows away. The harder you push, the more resistance there is – it even cracks if you punch it!

The Cornflour Mess

It’s more fun than is legal in some countries. It also lends itself to incredibly filthy comments, but we didn’t make any of those; oh no. We messed about for ages, getting mixture everywhere. After a while it becomes a little too solid, but a touch more water fixes that. We added food colouring, which worked surprisingly well…

Dyed Cornflour

…and managed to avoid the temptation to start a cornflour-fight. We eventually killed it by adding washing-up liquid. As Tamsin pointed out, we should have realised that wouldn’t work – washing-up liquid is designed to get molecules to separate, after all.

I highly recommend you have a go 🙂 One caveat, though: it’s a complete git to clear up. I’ve wiped down the surfaces twice now and the damn stuff keeps coming back.