A genuine conversation I had yesterday:
[while discussing the aforementioned Virgin Digital 75 Bands image]
She: What are these matches?
She: On the pavement
Me: They’re in a shape, aren’t they?
She: No, next to them
Me: Are you sure? Aren’t they pins?
She: No, I’m talking about the matches
Me: What matches?
She: Your face and my arse!
[cue hysterics from the other sofa as Mum and Dad fall about laughing.]
I’m told it was simply too good an opportunity to pass up 🙂
You’ll need to view the larger image to see it properly, but this is what just appeared on my Amazon account:
The top recommendation, based on my clicks, is “100 Naked Girls”. Believe it or not, I haven’t been searching for naked women on Amazon recently. Or ever, as far as I can remember. My most recent clicks were various toasters and saucepan sets, which aren’t terribly kinky. Hmmm, maybe the engine’s just really insightful 🙂
5 minutes later and the book has vanished, to be replaced with “Swan 16Pce Sainless Steel Cutlery Set”. Go figure.
Update: Turns out that somebody who bought one of the cutlery sets also bought this book. My new recommended item is ‘Shaven Angels 2’. Do you think somebody ordered porn with their cutlery, or cutlery with their porn?
So I’m probably the last person on the internets to find bash.org. It’s a repository of quotes from chatrooms, many of which are entirely filthy and non-pc, and I keep cracking up.
[andrewb] I’ve played the Expansion Pack for about an hour and a half, and I’m already boAGH GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MOTH
[UKDJ|Planet> I swear to god
[UKDJ|Planet] I’ve just heard a duck tell a joke
[UKDJ|Planet] there was as group of ducks on a pond near where i live
[UKDJ|Planet] one of the ducks was quacking away looking straight at a group of like 10 ducks
[UKDJ|Planet] then he stopped and all the other ducks went mental
[UKDJ|Planet] it looked just like duck stand-up comedy
[gazzy] fucken dammit u know it’s a bad sign when you wake up and “I R 1337” is written on ur penis :/
I should really go to sleep soon.
I don’t know where this came from originally, but I like it:
There was a young lady from Slough
Who developed a very bad cough
She wasn’t to know
It would last until now
Let’s hope the poor girl will pull through
Later, after a chance comment regarding the rumoured powers of cornstarch, a visit to Tesco was called for. We stocked up on cornflour, hoping it was the same thing, then proceeded to make one hell of a mess all over my kitchen…
The instructions in Penn and Teller’s How to Play With Your Food were to add a little water and ‘just play’. So we did. It’s such cool stuff! If you push your finger slowly the mixture sloshes like water, but if you scoop up a load it globs and you can roll it around. Once you stop it immediately ‘melts’ back into liquid and flows away. The harder you push, the more resistance there is – it even cracks if you punch it!
It’s more fun than is legal in some countries. It also lends itself to incredibly filthy comments, but we didn’t make any of those; oh no. We messed about for ages, getting mixture everywhere. After a while it becomes a little too solid, but a touch more water fixes that. We added food colouring, which worked surprisingly well…
…and managed to avoid the temptation to start a cornflour-fight. We eventually killed it by adding washing-up liquid. As Tamsin pointed out, we should have realised that wouldn’t work – washing-up liquid is designed to get molecules to separate, after all.
I highly recommend you have a go 🙂 One caveat, though: it’s a complete git to clear up. I’ve wiped down the surfaces twice now and the damn stuff keeps coming back.
I’ve just recovered from hysterics after reading this. Somebody had the bright idea of interviewing Jeeves of Ask Jeeves, via the search engine. I nearly died. Via Jeremy Zawodny.
This is Obi-Wan as of a few weeks ago, as part of an as-yet-unedited and extremely silly 1-minute movie:
This is Obi-wan today:
Even Darth Vader couldn’t manage that. On the other hand, think how much Megan would have 0wned Anakin at the end of Episode III.
(in hindsight, there are as many ways in which that sentence is complete nonsense are there are the opposite)
You may know that Richard Dawkins is one of my heroes, and today he was giving a speech in Oxford as part of the TED conference. This is how the write-up goes on the BBC website. See if you can guess where I got a little confused:
Our brains had evolved to help us survive within the scale and orders of magnitude within which we exist, said Professor Dawkins.
We think that rocks and crystals are solid when in fact they were made up mostly of spaces in between atoms, he argued.
This, he said, was just the way our brains thought about things in order to help us navigate our “middle sized” world – the medium scale environment – a world in which we cannot see individual atoms.
This idea meant that life was probably “quite common” in the Universe, Professor Dawkins said.
(edited sentence) There’s no way he made that argument without further explanation 🙂 I’ll try to find the exact text…
I’d normally just add this to the del.icio.us links for the day, but I laughed so much I felt it warranted a full post. Via gizmodo via ohgizmo etc. etc. comes the Mr Suicide Bath Plug:
Horrible, but very, very funny.
Story from last week I forgot to mention. Megan was in the corner of the office, chewing up a box she’d found. I looked over and the following thought process went through my head:
What’s that she’s got?
That’s a bit odd.
I don’t think I’ve ever moved so fast. I was there before she managed to get into it, but can you imagine? I don’t think I want to. Turns out the box she was chewing was the most recent, unopened, delivery from the stationers, and around the corner from me lay the entire contents, thankfully not destroyed too much. The cartridge was inside this box, inside its own packaging and inside the light-sealed black bag, all of which she got through in about ten minutes. I think a collar-mounted wireless webcam would be a worthy investment 🙂