Taking the man’s name
Today's Skepchick 'Afternoon Inquisition' asked - slightly shortened - 'What do you think about the practice of a wife taking her husband’s name?'. I remember realising this practice was clearly sexist, and I couldn't understand why I'd never seen it before - it's obviously about the woman becoming the man's possession. Ick! Having had this revelation, I mentioned it to various friends/family, almost all of whom surprised the hell out of me by disagreeing.
A couple of people said 'it's just nice', which I think was code for 'it's traditional'. As a general rule I reject any argument that includes the word 'traditional', so that didn't convince me. Then there was 'what would we name the children?', which made me laugh. Why does that matter? Sure, there might be the occasional administrative slip, but that's hardly a deal-breaker. Just choose a name. It's not like the kid is any less yours.
The main comeback was 'it's just what you do'. Or that it's the expected thing, and so is easier for others. These people disliked the sexism, but didn't think of the issue in those terms - it's unimportant because marriage isn't one-way possessive. Which is fair enough. And I've since read of people who disliked their original name and wanted to change. Obviously fine too.
Still, personally: ick. While I see it needn't matter, I'd have trouble shedding the sexist connotations. Marriage is a partnership, not a takeover, and I'd rather have nothing suggesting otherwise. Of course, in the unlikely event of any woman wanting to marry me, she'll do what she likes. I can't see my marrying someone who'd be swayed by my opinion anyway.
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July 24th, 2009 - 22:44
Well said, sir. Couldn't have put it better myself.
On another note, bloody hell but it's been a while since I commented here – it's all changed! Do we still get strawberries?
July 25th, 2009 - 23:25
I am still figuring out the best way to provide strawberries. In the meantime I am happy to provide them on request:
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July 24th, 2009 - 23:22
Well said indeed. However, just to complicate things further, women that don't take their husband's name are often keeping their father's name…
July 25th, 2009 - 23:26
Hmmm, hadn't thought of that. Can see that could get complicated.
July 25th, 2009 - 09:19
I think that although the principle might be sexist, in real life most people have a choice – these days it seems to be more acceptable to hyphenate/keep your old name/maybe choose a new one. So if the woman happily chooses to take the man's name, is there a problem?
Personally I mostly fall under the disliked original name category, but it also means a lot to me to take Tom's name – I wanted a name to represent our partnership. It's the same with the wedding – we picked and chose traditions, and I was proud to be walked down the aisle and 'given away' by my dad – I guess that could also be seen as sexist. However, in my mind the important things are that you have the freedom to choose, and get to carry it out in a way that is significant to you personally.
July 25th, 2009 - 11:28
I only object if it's done for sexist reasons. If taking the name / being given away is important to you for other reasons, that's obviously fine! When it's something that even comes into the equation, I don't have any problem at all (not that it would matter if I did). I only meant that I personally might not choose some of these things, but that's me.
August 5th, 2009 - 15:52
Right the name change is about coming together. Perhaps changing both names to the same something new would be cool. Although I can imagine Mr West might become Mr Simian. I'll mention that in some of Europe the men change their surname to the woman's surname. So it goes both ways.
Dynasty is hardly a new concept, I like the idea of preserving ancestral links for future generations, but I'd certainly not *require* a future bride to change her name. Might be nice to share that connection though, makes Mr & Mrs Smith a bit more of a faff. Mr Smith & Mrs Smythe? And certainly naming the kids brings up another level of complexity! Glad I'm not there yet