I know you’ve all been waiting, and the moment has come. Here, in its fifth glorious year, is the ultimate Eurovision Judging Device.
Tweaked, honed and columnically irrigated to within an inch of True Awesome, this year’s version has never been known to fail. You can watch Eurovision, ESCDMTCAJGM in hand, and bask in the dual glory of knowledge with superiority – for you, yes you, will have the correct results, no matter what they say on television.
Regrettably I will be out for this evening’s shenanigans, but I can rest easy, knowing that if I were present I’d be having a brilliant time.