Sometimes the universe gives you no choice. A mild example occurred in February, when I heard of somebody claiming it was the Chinese Year of the Salmon, and I was compelled to remark that this must be due to the leap year. There was no option: these circumstances were never going to arise again, and it’s a moral duty to take advantage of such existential confluences, regardless of company or surroundings. Professional ballroom champion Darren Bennett, on the news that Strictly Come Dancing partner Emma Bunton had become pregnant a month into their training, said “I thought she was getting heavier.”. He knows what I’m talking about. This kind of thing can get you in big trouble. I call it the OTOCE - the one-time-only-comedic-event.

Apropos of nothing, I remember realising in my teens that the much advertised “Now” compilation CDs would one day reach number 69. And that would be a funny day. As a 24 year old I can look back on my teenage self and observe the unsophisticated nature of this humour. Adolescent and immature, the slightest hint of sexual innuendo seemed incredibly amusing. I’m now older, and wiser. Here’s the thing, though: the Now 69 adverts are on tv at the moment and they’re really funny.

I’m not proud of this. But what can do you. Here are the rumoured hidden tracks:

• Dead or Alive - You Spin Me Right Round
• Men At Work - Down Under
• The Hollies - The Air That I Breathe

Sorry.