Trying to have sex with a bike might be odd, but is it criminal?

November 14th, 2007 - 23:04 | 1 comment

Here’s a headline you don’t see every day:

A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation.

He was staying at a hostel in Ayr and got caught in the act when cleaners unlocked his door and walked in. I admit to finding this particularly entertaining:

Stewart had denied the offence, claiming it was caused by a misunderstanding after he had too much to drink.

“I’m sorry, your honour, in the dark the BMX looked just like Kelly Brook”. Said a spokesman.

But, seriously, how is this a crime? He was charged with:

a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex

WTF. Was this person not in a room on his own? And could they sound any more Victorian?

Weird as it may be, what’s the actual problem here? It’s not even a slap on the wrist, the guy is on probation for three years and is now on the sex offenders register. That’s going to completely mess up the guy’s life, which seems vastly disproportionate. Maybe there are more details that make this less pleasant; from the information given it seems arcane and ridiculous.

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One Response to “Trying to have sex with a bike might be odd, but is it criminal?”

1 Mark Nov 21st, 2007 at 7:11 am

I’ve read about this, and, quite frankly, it seems ridiculous; I had to check to make sure that it wasn’t April 1st. The ’sex offenders register’? Er, and there I was under the impression that this was a place for those considered to be a danger to the public. Who is this guy a danger to, exactly? The entire bicycle population of the country? I take it he is now prevented from working with bikes, or something? That’s the job in the bicycle shop that he’d always wanted, down the pan. I really didn’t realise that it was possible to indecently assault a bike; the next time I ride mine, I’ll be careful that I’m not causing it undue distress, that’s for sure. Bikes have rights, too, right?

I don’t know what the world’s come to, when a man can’t ride his own bicycle in the privacy of his own hostel room. Is it not his own choice to do what he wishes, in the privacy of his own room (well, within legal boundaries, which I was under the impression this was)? Had the cleaners walked in on a couple making love, surely they’d have just walked out? So why was the same not done, this time? Stories such as these beggar belief, they really do.

All together, now: “I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike. I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride it where I like………..”.

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