Defunct Saturday morning show ‘Dick and Dom in da Bungalow’ contained a brilliant segment called ‘Bogies’. I am not ashamed to know this. The eponymous hosts would attend some busy place of calm, such as Warwick Castle while tours were in progress, and compete to say say the word ‘bogies’ progressively louder until somebody chickened out or failed to match the previous volume. It was goddamned funny. At Comic Relief they had ‘pro-celebrity bogies’, starring Rupert Grint, and I nearly died.

I have yet to find anybody willing to play it with me. Over the age of five, anyway. So here’s an idea: Webogies. The rules are simple:

  • You must write the word ‘bogies’ in some public arena on the Internet, under your own name or a recognisable nickname.
  • ‘Bogies’ doesn’t have to be permanent, but must remain long enough to be seen live by other competitors and the Public At Large. A screenshot will not suffice.
  • ‘Bogies’ must be larger than the previous incarnation.
  • ‘Bogies’ must not be in context – you can’t put ‘please ignore this’ before it – and must be in its own paragraph.
  • You should, if possible, leave a comment underneath the previous bogeys, linking to your superior bogies.
  • There is no limit to contestants, but new bogies must be posted within 48 hours. After such time has passed, the instigator of largest bogies will be declared Bogemeister.

Here’s how the real-world version works:

Come now, don’t pretend you didn’t smile.