Plotting the extermination of the tie

Turns out Mr Ahmadinejad and I agree on something:

Iranians, however, are prohibited from wearing ties in Iran

although his reasons are of course bollocks:

Neckties – and bowties – were said to be decadent, un-Islamic and viewed as “symbols of the Cross” and the oppressive West.

He completely misses that they’re giant arrows pointing at the crotch. Walking around in just your pants would be more subtle. If they were worn by women they’d be banned in a heartbeat.

A UK campaign against the wearing of ties would of course be entirely virtuous on the basis of their ridiculousness, but a success would leave gaps in people’s concerns. Old people could no longer complain about tie-less BBC journalists, for example, and secretly flamboyant stockbrokers would have no way to express themselves other than Simpsons socks. And nobody wants that. Good news, friends – I have solutions:

Solution 1: Rather Fine Feathered Hats. Picture the inherent gravitas of the 10 O’clock News reader if clad in black fedora with cheeky red parrot feather (humanely collected, of course).

Solution 2: Capes. Spangly ones. The House of Commons but with everybody in capes. Need I say more?

Solution 3: Rather Fine Feathered Hats AND capes. Practically a utopia.

I think we can all agree that this would make for an excellent 21st century.