Grammar Jokes

Taken from the oasis that is the “Good grammar is hot” Facebook group, which you can’t access without logging in. I think they all work very well when read aloud, particularly the poem.

Q: What’s another name for Santa’s elves?
A: Subordinate Clauses

A Texan professor and an Oxford professor are chilling at a conference bar. The Texan professor, bored, looks to the Oxford professor and strikes up a conversation.
“So there partner, where y’all from?”
Oxford prof. replies, pushing his glasses to his nose: “Well, in reply to your query, I hail from Oxford. In addition, where I come from, we never end our sentences in a preposition.”
The Texan prof. blinks once, shrugs his shoulders and drawls, “My apologies! What I mean to say is ‘where y’all from, asshole?'”

What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

HINTS ON PRONUNCIATION FOR FOREIGNERS
*~by T.S.W.~*1

I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough
Others may stumble, but not you,
On hiccough, thorough, lough2, and through –
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps?

Beware of heard, a dreadful word,
That looks like beard and sounds like bird
And dead – it’s said like bed, not bead,
For goodness’ sake don’t call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat
(They rhyme with suite and strait and debt)
A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother
And here is not a match for there
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear
And then there’s dose and rose and lose-
Just look them up- and goose and choose
And cork and work and card and ward
And font and front and word and sword
And do and go and thwart and cart-
Come come, I’ve hardly made a start!

A dreadful language? Man alive,
I’d mastered it when I was five!

  1. or George Bernard Shaw, nobody’s quite sure []
  2. didn’t know this one – it’s pronounced ‘lock’, and is an Irish word for a lake []