This post is really just an excuse to make juvenile jokes

Ah, summer.

In what must surely be one of the summer’s more bizarre events, hundreds of people are expected to gather in a hall in central London on August 5 to pleasure themselves in aid of charity.

Intrigued?

Prizes will be on offer for those who clock up the most orgasms and those who can masturbate the longest – the current record, according to the organisers, is a chafing eight-and-a-half hours.

Eight and a half hours?! I think I’d just get bored.

To qualify for the record, the organisers say “at least 55 minutes of every hour shall be spent self-pleasuring by manual or sex toy stimulation” with participants getting just five minutes to “replenish and renew”.

Could make for a fun lunch hour. I’m amused by the idea of the judges – I’d have to be paid rather well to watch people holding the sausage hostage for eight-hours straight. It’s all for charity:

The organiser of the event, the San Francisco-based Centre for Sex and Culture, has run mass masturbation events in the US for the past five years to raise money for safe sex groups and plans to replicate the formula in the UK.

Is it just men, do you think? Difficult to imagine many women turning up…The real fuss, however, is that Channel 4 are making a documentary about it:

Cameras from independent production company Zig Zag, which made Essex Boys for ITV1, will follow the organisers and participants for a 60-minute film, which has the working title of Wank-a-thon. It is expected to air on Channel 4 towards the end of the year.

This could be quite an interesting show, I think. What would motivate people to dance the sticky rumba in public? How many people have turned up at previous events? Do they regret it afterwards? Unfortunately, this quote perhaps sums up their approach:

Zig Zag said in its blurb for the show: “This year it’s time to bring the event across the pond to see if the great British public can embrace mass public masturbation. It’s time to find out if the only things allowed to be stiff in Britain are upper lips.”

Perhaps I’ll skip this one. No, wait. It should be banned. That’s it, yeah. Furthermore, Channel 4 are showing it as part of a ‘wank week’. Come off it.