I know you’ve all been waiting for it, and for the third consecutive year, here it is. The Eurovision Song Contest Decision Making Tally Counting Act Judging Generator Machine – 2006.
This stunning spreadsheet will1 allow consistent rating of Eurovision acts, and correct prediction of a final winner. Using categories carefully selected from psychology and a stunningly innovative High/Low rating system, this astonishing document is presented to you, the public, completely free of charge. The sheet includes all 24 entrants, in the correct order (information which, every year, seems to be some kind of state secret), denoted by remarkably arbitrary initials. Its track record is impeccable. The categories are:
- Dance routine – energy
- Dance routine – innuendo
- Overall campage
- Level of irritation
- Size of chesticles / package
- Visibility of chesticles / package
- General exposed flesh
- General clothing style
- Cheesy smiles
- Singing ability
I’ll pause while you catch your breath.
- in the hands of a suitably skilled operative [↩]