AN exorcist has carried out a ritual on a Sandwell school where seven members of staff have been struck down by a mystery illness, it was revealed today.
Sandwell? That’s not all that far away. You don’t generally hear about this kind of nonsense in the UK…
Sandwell Council education spokesman Coun Ian Jones revealed today that the exorcist had tried to clear the school of any malevolent presence. He said: “We are keeping an open mind on the situation and any theory put forward will be carefully considered.
Ooh! I know what it is! It’s chipmonkeys! Chipmonkeys are tiny mites that live in woodwork, excreting dangerous gases. Nobody knows about them but me, but I’ve been ostracised by the scientific community, just like Einstein and Newton were at first, because my theory is too radical. It’s very complex, but Chipmonkeys are produced through the energy fields of mirror-reversal quantum vibrations. It’ll overturn the scientific paradigm – just you wait! My unique knowledge means I am the only person capable of getting rid of the Chipmonkey infestation. The only cure, I have discovered through my stunning research, is to negate the mirror-reversal energy field by an outflux of cash. £5,000 ought to do it. I can work from a distance, too!
There’s such a thing as having too open a mind1. The article then adds its own useful contribution to the public understanding of science:
Cambridge-based electronics engineer Alasdair Philips, founder and director of independent research organisation Powerwatch, claimed that interactive wireless technology within the school could be to blame.
“There will be low-level radiation but we are very much against this sort of technology in the classroom, where children and staff are very close to it.”
Nice. Has there ever been any evidence that wireless network radiation can make you ill? I don’t know of any. Perhaps if we changed the word ‘radiation’ to ‘bunnies’ it’d help2. Incidentally, Powerwatch as an organisation seem utterly paranoid, it looks like they ignore all scientific evidence that disagrees with their claims, and are debunked as part of this.
- incidentally, the stats are that seven teachers have become ‘unwell’ in two and a half years. From what I remember of teacher turnover, that’s quite good going! [↩]
- Magnetic Resonance Imaging scanners used to be known as Nuclear Magnetic Resonance Imaging scanners, until it was discovered that people heard the word ‘nuclear’ and ran a mile, presumably thinking they might end up accidentally distintegrated, or something [↩]