Just watching a BBC2 documentary on acupuncture. The primary exhibit is a girl undergoing heart surgery without a general anaesthetic. Certainly sounds interesting, yet…

Although sedated by drugs, and her chest numbed, [the girl] will go through the operation conscious.

Ummm…sedated by drugs, and her chest numbed (presumably by drugs), but it’s all done by acupuncture. Oooook.

I’ll reserve judgement on this show until the end

No. There is no way that somebody looked at a tree and remarked:

It would puzzle a monkey to climb that tree.

Didn’t happen. Not a chance.

If I ever own a garden, I’m getting one of these trees. And, if possible, a monkey to climb it. Because I bet it bloody well wouldn’t be puzzled. Monkeys are clever, you see. Then they’ll have to rename it Monkey-Easy-As-Falling-Off-A-Piece-Of-Cake-Tree, or Monkey-For-A-Species-That-Can’t-Climb-At-All-You’re-Remarkably-Cocky-Observe-While-I-Throw-Feces-At-You-From-My-Vantage-Point-On-Top-Of-This-Actually-Rather-Simple-To-Climb-Tree. Or something.

I just read Anna’s most recent post, in which she used the word ‘frotting’. Not knowing what this meant, and being an inquisitive sort of fellow, I looked it up.

Had I used Wikipedia, all would have been well. But, no, I used answers.com. Which has a picture. A picture that I couldn’t figure out for a bit, but then I did. NSFW and all that.

Now, it’s not that I’ve been examining that picture in great detail, but I can’t help noticing what appears to be a bubble. A bubble? Really? How exactly does that work? I’m confused, and I wish not to have this question floating around my head. I’m concerned I may be broken in some way, as, quite frankly, I’ve never seen anything vaguely close to bubbles. But then I guess I have my eyes shut¹.

You may be wondering why I don’t just copy and paste the definition of ‘frotting’ into this blog post. Well, there are two reasons.

Firstly, I went to the definition page, so other people should too. It’s like karma for evil people, or korma for short. Secondly, it’s because whenever I put anything like that onto my blog things like this happen:

This weekend, Lib Dem MP Mark Oaten was forced to resign over revelations he’d had an affair. I read online that the News of the World had published details of his sexual encounters, including three-in-a-bed romps and ’sexual acts too revolting for print’. Much as this last phrase sent the mind boggling, that was really as much information as I needed to know. Then, while browsing my website stats, I saw various google searches from the phrase ‘mark oaten coprophilia’. I have indeed mentioned both him and coprophilia on my website before. Gross. If you were a purveyor of gross - a grosser, presumably - this would undoubtedly be one of your top items. The images that popped into my head…there are just no words.

This whole post was such a bad idea. I can imagine the conversations now…

Grandparents: Is it true you were using our internet connection to look at hardcore gay images?
Me: No!
Me: Well, yes.
Grandparents: Explain yourself!
Me: I was just looking up frotting when it kinda happened.
Grandparents: Frotting? What’s that?
Me: It’s a male-homosexual technique. I wanted to know what it was, you see. And then there were bubbles, and I couldn’t understand it.
Grandparents: You’re out of the will².

If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to flush my mind’s eye with unicorns, ducklings and puppies.

1. not while engaged in frotting, you understand - nothing like that, I’m on my own! No…wait…There’s no dignified way out of this footnote, is there. [↩]
2. I should point out here that my grandparents are not actually homophobic in any way [↩]

If not only do you know what’s going on here, but you think more half of them are actually funny, it’s too late for you.

(for more info, see the top 30 facts)

I’ve just seen that my favourite tv show, The West Wing, is to come to an end after seven series. Although this makes me sad, it’s not too much of a surprise. I think the series currently being shown in the US is the seventh, right? Seven series is certainly a good total, and winning four Best Drama emmys in a row is unmatched in TV history afaik. Plus, I think the series has a natural end once two presidential terms are up (although I haven’t seen all of series six yet, so don’t know how this is resolved) and changing president would alter the dynamic of the show considerably.

It’s a shame that the show was actually axed because of falling ratings, and it wasn’t a decision on the part of the writers. To be fair, it was apparently moved to a different slot and the ratings fell subsequently. Such is the logic of the networks! Hopefully it will end in an appropriate fashion, rather than a cliffhanger. It’d be great if they got Aaron Sorkin back to write the final episode, since he created the programme in the first place (plus, it was his writing that earned the show its four emmys).

The good thing about The West Wing is that I can watch past episodes over and over, and still catch new details, jokes or political commentary. I already have series 1-6 on DVD, and asking for more than ~160 episodes would be somewhat greedy

I tried to let this go, but it’s been gnawing at me all evening. Norm, in my opinion one of the clearest writers on the net, today linked in full agreement to the following paragraph:

So why can Professor Dawkins only see the bad in religion? Why is he incapable of making an objective, “scientific”, study of it, in all its diversity? Why is he unable to make distinctions between the many different forms of religious belief? I do not know the answer to these questions, but I do know this apostle of reason, when confronted with the word “faith”, suddenly becomes irrational, careless of truth, incapable of scholarly analysis. I really think it must be some sort of virus, and I wish my colleague a speedy recovery.

It’s from a theologian’s response to The Root of All Evil shows from the past couple of weeks. The rest of the article is your standard misunderstanding and illogical argument, and I think the above is, too. The above is the response I see most often, and it’s regularly put forward by people whose views I strongly agree with on other matters. I can’t help thinking that they’re missing the point, though.

It’s not that Dawkins sees only the bad in religion, it’s that the good is entirely indistinguishable from the bad. When religious texts are just as full of hate and barbarism as they are tolerance and peace, and the whole thing is on a foundation of no evidence, how are you going to tell some people that their behaviour is wrong, while simultaneously telling others that their behaviour is correct? Both good and bad come from the same doctrine, it’s just that the interpretations differ. That is the argument that religion overall is harmful.¹ It’s not being blinded to the good parts and only taking notice of the extremists, it’s pointing to the logically inconsistent nature of the whole institution.

The next argument would be that those who simply believe in a deity without subscribing to any particular religion are doing no harm, and that’s where the argument about stifling rational thought comes in. I’ve covered that already, and there’s no need to repeat it.

I’m not simply following Richard Dawkins wherever he leads, it’s that I’ve yet to see anybody counter the above argument. I think it’s possible that the above is too idealist for the world we actually live in, and that’s what Norm etc. mean when they object. I’ve seen neither Dawkins nor anybody else make any serious proposals for actually solving the problem, but I see no issue with pointing out the logical inconsistency.

It seems morally decent to stand up for those religious folk who do good deeds, but I don’t think it’s logically consistent to accept and encourage them, while saying extremism is clearly wrong. The challenge is to extract the good from religion and put it forward as a way of living with a decent moral foundation, and not something that just relies on the word of nonexistent deities.

1. edit: re-reading a day later, this isn’t quite what I meant [↩]

Went for a walk this afternoon; got lost, naturally. While trying to find the correct lane I spotted this sign:

Is that thing from The Abyss patrolling the area?

I just can’t understand it. Is there something obvious I’m missing?

Update: mystery solved by Ben.

Another of my plans for the next week is to get my head around some basic music theory. I know bits here and there but not enough to link them together. My guitar teacher talks about modes, and I’ll ask questions to figure out exactly what they are, but because I can’t link that to anything else I quickly forget.

I learned the piano when I was much younger (failed grade 3; gave up) but unfortunately we never went into music theory. It wasn’t until I started learning the guitar that I even found out why some notes on a keyboard have black keys between them and some don’t. In hindsight that’s actually pretty bad; I used to have to remember scales note-for-note, whereas some understanding of tones would have made it far easier. I guess it’s possible I couldn’t figure it out at the time so my teacher skipped that part, but I don’t remember anything like that. School was much the same - we went over the notes and basic chords, but there was no explanation of what we were doing, it was just rote.

This evening I was looking at keys, and it seems to be a matter of piecing together information from various descriptions on the web. I want more than ‘it’s the base note of a particular song’, but not so much as ‘in western traditions we use major keys, while the japanese tended to stick with pentatonics blah blah triads blah blah tonic’. My brain just switches off - I need something written for beginners but that doesn’t over-simplify. Hopefully it’s just a matter of finding the right tutorial, somewhere.

Particularly frustrating are the tutorials designed for songwriters. It’s not their fault, it’s me. When they say ’some chords just sound happy, others sound sad’ my brain explodes. I know exactly what they’re referring to, but it’s stupid. Ok, not stupid, but you’re telling me this is the only difference between major and minor chords - one sounds happy and one doesn’t? I’m used to there being satisfying reasons behind things; it’s the rationalist in me Are there psychological explanations for chords sounding happy and sad? I know notes are based on sound waves that oscillate at certain mathematical intervals - maybe reading up on them would help.

It doesn’t help that I have little ear for music. I first tried to tune my acoustic guitar using the piano, but had to give up and buy an electric tuner. I just couldn’t hear any similarity between the sounds - one sounded like a piano, one sounded like a guitar, and that was as much as I could tell. I’m hoping this is something that can be learnt! How on Earth people can remember tones well enough to recognise and name them I have no idea.

Even if guitar playing is as much about feeling the music as understanding the theory, I know I’ll feel much happier if I understand what it is I’m doing. Plus, I’ve read interviews with writers I admire - Aaron Sorkin, for one - who say that their writing style is heavily influenced by musical patterns. As long as I can find something understandable, I’ll definitely keep working on it.

Update: It’ll also help me get the second half of this joke, I hope…

There’s a whale swimming up the Thames. AN RNLI lifeboat is apparently staying with it to make sure it comes to no harm. Cool! I bet he’s named soon.

I have a cold at the moment, except I don’t. I keep sneezing, coughing sometimes, my nose is stuffed with blended frog and I seem to go hot and cold in the evenings. The problem is that I don’t feel unwell at all. Which is no fun. How can I get any sympathy if I don’t feel bad?

Today was exhausting, mind. Lots of driving too and from various addresses, plus trying to fix desperately-needed computers and picking up new hardware. Hopefully I’ll sleep well tonight, though. That’s if I don’t wake up at every unexplained noise, of course…

Incidentally, if you want any RAM, buy it online from Crucial. I paid £70 in a local shop for a stick of 512mb PC2700 that would be £35 online. I had to bite my tongue not to make a comment when they told me the price - that’s just crazy. I suppose I could have bartered…but it might not have gone down well, and it always pays to get on with local computer shops

Made me laugh. Found here.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Labrador: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there…..

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

While we’re talking jokes, this is the best blonde joke ever.

This is my new friend, Cat. If Cat has a name other than Cat, I don’t know it. I’m house-and-Cat-sitting for my grandparents for the next week and a half, and I’m hoping she’ll decide to reciprocate in friendship. I haven’t spent much time with cats since Benjamin, our family pet who died a good few years ago, and have gotten used to the mania of dogs. To call Cat sedate in comparison would be something of an understatement Mind you, Cat doesn’t seem to be your classically aloof feline: she’s perfectly happy to lie on the sofa in the warm for much of the day, and although she feigns indifference when stroked the loud purrs give her away.

My grandparents’ house isn’t quite in the middle of nowhere, but reaching it involves travelling down an alarming number of lanes wide enough for one, rather small, vehicle. You can, however, stand in the garden and hear nothing apart from a nearby farm’s cockerel. There are also nyes of pheasants wandering about the place. And deer, apparently. Plus Cat.

I’m going to work on fixing up the novel I wrote in November, and I’ve also brought the guitar equipment so I can get some good practice in. I’ve borrowed a laptop and piped it into the broadband connection¹ so should be online pretty much as normal.

1. I was astonished when they managed to get broadband way out here, at 1mb too…That speed was touch and go for me in the centre of Stratford! [↩]

Is it wrong that I can’t stop laughing at this?

An Indian man has been banished by his family who are convinced he is a ghost.

*tries to stop giggling*

Raju Raghuvanshi, believed by friends and family to have died in prison, came home this month after a short jail sentence to be greeted by shouts of “Help! Ghost!”

I’m a bad person.

I heard a song on this morning that’s been in my head all day: Where’s the Pleasure?. It sounded like Franz Ferdinand, or Kaiser Chiefs, but turned out to be by Protocol, who I hadn’t heard of before. Cool stuff, though - I like the lead vocals. I’ll have to ask my guitar teacher to help me with the chords. It’s odd, I was never really into the rocky guitar groups before I started learning the guitar myself, and now I can’t get enough of them. I even catch myself doing air guitar, but only when nobody’s around, thankfully
Update: The video’s online here, if you want to hear the song.

I’ve been an alpha tester on the FeedLounge web-based RSS feed reader for six months or so, and I’m very impressed with it. It’s the only online service I’ve seen that handles my ~200 feeds without slowing down or just making a mess¹. Each feed is taggable, meaning that it can appear under one or multiple headings, and the same applies to individual posts. The interface is neat, fast and readable, and it rarely, if ever, needs a page refresh - everything happens via dynamic javascript (including new posts) and is faster than loading the page every time a la Bloglines. I’ve also filed various bug reports on the forums and received direct communications from the developers that have resulted in the problems sorted very quickly. Over six months there’ve been a few glitches and I tried out a number of other feed-readers, but I still find FeedLounge the easiest to use.

Today FeedLounge opened up to everybody for beta-testing. The unfortunate part is that the hardware and bandwidth costs have forced the owners into adopting a $5 monthly fee - they simply don’t have the capacity of Google etc. As an alpha tester I get a couple of months free, but much as I like the service I don’t know whether I can justify paying for it thereafter. I’ll see. If you want to play around, though, there’s a three-hour testing period you can access without payment.

Certainly worth a look, imho.

1. Google Reader has a fit [↩]