I just read Anna’s most recent post, in which she used the word ‘frotting’. Not knowing what this meant, and being an inquisitive sort of fellow, I looked it up.

Had I used Wikipedia, all would have been well. But, no, I used answers.com. Which has a picture. A picture that I couldn’t figure out for a bit, but then I did. NSFW and all that.

Now, it’s not that I’ve been examining that picture in great detail, but I can’t help noticing what appears to be a bubble. A bubble? Really? How exactly does that work? I’m confused, and I wish not to have this question floating around my head. I’m concerned I may be broken in some way, as, quite frankly, I’ve never seen anything vaguely close to bubbles. But then I guess I have my eyes shut¹.

You may be wondering why I don’t just copy and paste the definition of ‘frotting’ into this blog post. Well, there are two reasons.

Firstly, I went to the definition page, so other people should too. It’s like karma for evil people, or korma for short. Secondly, it’s because whenever I put anything like that onto my blog things like this happen:

This weekend, Lib Dem MP Mark Oaten was forced to resign over revelations he’d had an affair. I read online that the News of the World had published details of his sexual encounters, including three-in-a-bed romps and ’sexual acts too revolting for print’. Much as this last phrase sent the mind boggling, that was really as much information as I needed to know. Then, while browsing my website stats, I saw various google searches from the phrase ‘mark oaten coprophilia’. I have indeed mentioned both him and coprophilia on my website before. Gross. If you were a purveyor of gross - a grosser, presumably - this would undoubtedly be one of your top items. The images that popped into my head…there are just no words.

This whole post was such a bad idea. I can imagine the conversations now…

Grandparents: Is it true you were using our internet connection to look at hardcore gay images?
Me: No!
Me: Well, yes.
Grandparents: Explain yourself!
Me: I was just looking up frotting when it kinda happened.
Grandparents: Frotting? What’s that?
Me: It’s a male-homosexual technique. I wanted to know what it was, you see. And then there were bubbles, and I couldn’t understand it.
Grandparents: You’re out of the will².

If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to flush my mind’s eye with unicorns, ducklings and puppies.

1. not while engaged in frotting, you understand - nothing like that, I’m on my own! No…wait…There’s no dignified way out of this footnote, is there. [↩]
2. I should point out here that my grandparents are not actually homophobic in any way [↩]