Feeling down

Introspection alert. Feel free to skip.

I’m not feeling so hot at the moment. I was half way around today’s walk when I abruptly ran out of energy, and it was a struggle to get home. I’m a little shaky and am shivering sometimes, too. The thing is that I don’t feel ill at all. It’s been one of the worst days emotionally for a long time, and though I’ve been trying to snap out of it things have just got worse. I can’t put it down to anything in particular, but I’ve been on the verge of tears more than once, and have been feeling really down generally.

I’m just weird. I used to do magic shows in front of my entire junior school and secondary school year group, and later there were children’s parties. I’ll happily talk in front of large crowds, witter on about my feelings on a website available to anybody with an internet connection, or make a fool of myself before complete strangers, but ask me to sit and chat with a group of people I don’t know and I’ll be scared for days beforehand. I think I’m getting better, but this last weekend really pushed me as far as I could go. I enjoyed some points very much, but others were a struggle. I far preferred to be on the dance floor than sitting at the side, and when I got back to my room had to actively calm myself down on a few occasions. I went through stages of being happy, then depressed and convinced everybody must hate me, then inexplicably lonely. The life coaching has helped a lot – before I definitely wouldn’t have lasted for an entire evening without finding an excuse to leave – and Lynsey being there helped very much too, but bloody hell.

So I don’t know whether the weekend is just taking its toll or if I’m sickening for something, but I hope it gets better soon.