This will come as a shock, and I recommend you sit down before continuing.
Are you ready? Have you done some deep breathing? Are you in the lotus position? Good.
It appears that some parts of the Bible…and I can barely bring myself to say this…aren’t true. This is the word from the Catholic Church, who have far more insight into these matters than lowly commoners such as myself. They presumably have access to heavenly microfilm, or something. It may surprise you to hear that the following is not factually accurate:
So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept he took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh; and the rib which the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man
It turns out you can’t actually make people out of ribs. Of course not, it’s clearly ridiculous! Unlike virgin birth and not staying dead, which are still, it seems, true.
I want more info, though. What about Mary’s body physically rising into heaven? Did that happen? ‘cos that seems a little weird, to me. How about Elisha, who was apparently called ‘baldhead’ by some children, so he had them devoured by bears…Is that true? Incidentally, there’s a wonderful rebuttal to Elisha’s supposed actions here – by the end it seems that poor innocent Elisha was attacked by an ungrateful gang of fifty young men who would likely have destroyed much of the civilised world had they been left unchecked – and anyway, it was god who killed them, not Elisha. So it’s just god who’s a wanker – cool.
Or there’s the small matter of bats being birds, or the (rather obsessional) sacrificing of virgins, or that people should be stoned to death for working on the sabbath…oh heck, the quiz explains it all far better than I can.
In case you were wondering, it turns out that much of Revelations is also a bag of bollocks. What were the odds? Pastafarians such as myself have known this for a long time, of course. Have you been Touched by His Noodly Appendage?