You’ll need to view the larger image to see it properly, but this is what just appeared on my Amazon account:

The top recommendation, based on my clicks, is “100 Naked Girls”. Believe it or not, I haven’t been searching for naked women on Amazon recently. Or ever, as far as I can remember. My most recent clicks were various toasters and saucepan sets, which aren’t terribly kinky. Hmmm, maybe the engine’s just really insightful
5 minutes later and the book has vanished, to be replaced with “Swan 16Pce Sainless Steel Cutlery Set”. Go figure.

Update: Turns out that somebody who bought one of the cutlery sets also bought this book. My new recommended item is ‘Shaven Angels 2′. Do you think somebody ordered porn with their cutlery, or cutlery with their porn?

Obviously there’s a Bureau de Change in Marks and Spencers. Obviously.

In John Lewis. The fastest wins £250!

So I’m probably the last person on the internets to find bash.org. It’s a repository of quotes from chatrooms, many of which are entirely filthy and non-pc, and I keep cracking up.

[andrewb] I’ve played the Expansion Pack for about an hour and a half, and I’m already boAGH GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MOTH

[UKDJ|Planet> I swear to god
[UKDJ|Planet] I’ve just heard a duck tell a joke
[Jock] o…k
[UKDJ|Planet] there was as group of ducks on a pond near where i live
[UKDJ|Planet] one of the ducks was quacking away looking straight at a group of like 10 ducks
[UKDJ|Planet] then he stopped and all the other ducks went mental
[UKDJ|Planet] it looked just like duck stand-up comedy

[gazzy] fucken dammit u know it’s a bad sign when you wake up and “I R 1337″ is written on ur penis :/

I should really go to sleep soon.

ITV are celebrating 50 years of broadcasting. I think this is the schedule:

• 1800 - 1900
  Celebrity Desert Storm - How will the celebs cope when taken for basic weapons training? See the hilarious results when white supremacist Lee encounters his first Saudi!
• 1900 - 1910
  News - Includes an insightful report into Dale Winton’s drinking habits at university, as well as footage of Evangeline Lilly at a premiere.
• 1910 - 2000
  Tonight with Trevor Mcdonald - The current affairs show tonight delves into the macabre and shocking world of local cake baking contests.
• 2000 - 2100
  I’m Covered in Shit! - The latest installment from the pig farm. Tonight, with the sex-change operation complete, how will the group react to Sandra’s new look? Mix in a surprise vodka delivery and it’s a night in the sty for Brian!
• 2100 - 2145
  The Bill - With special guest star Jordan. It’s curtains for the entire CID team as a suicide bomber hits Sun Hill.
• 2145 - 0000
  Celebrity Awards 2005 - The wait is finally over! Which celeb has the best backside? Who’s the biggest bitch? Live coverage of the tears and tiaras.
• 0000 - 0030
  The Making of Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were Rabbit - Includes entire plot spoilers!

Passport photo machines sometimes have a hidden feature. Last weekend Ben, Lynsey and I discovered one that will print cameraphone snaps, sent via bluetooth. The standard price for passport prints is

From Amazon’s review of Katie Melua’s new album:

At this stage, Piece By Piece fits together nicely like a little jigsaw puzzle. And even if it didn’t, Melua would still sound simply ambrosial singing from a washing machine repair manual.

I like that

I like puns. Puns are funny. Maybe they’re the lowest form of wit, but that appears to be a well-contested position, and I don’t care anyway. I like conversations to be regular puntomimes. I do not mind people groaning when I say something silly - indeed, this is often the desired reaction. However, as of right now if you feel the need to say the words ‘badoom-tish’ after I make a pun, I will gut you with the nearest pencil. I can’t take it any more.

Some people just use onomatopoeia, while others insist on miming the playing of drums and crashing of cymbals. It’s called a rimshot, but around me it’s known as A Fast Way to Die. If you are guilty of this crime against humanity, please stop. For your own sake. Just don’t do it. I can hurt you.

That is all.

My mortgage offer just arrived, which I guess this means it’s actually happening! On Monday I was starting to prepare myself for it all falling through, so this is rather a relief. My estate agent says the solicitors are still exchanging minor details, but otherwise there’s nothing left to do before finally signing the paperwork. I wonder when completion date will be…I’d guess a couple of weeks. I’d best get on with shopping

It’s bad when:

• You run your finger over a mark on your new LCD monitor, and think it’s actually a gash. It’s better when you realise it’s just a stray gob (I wonder where from.)
• You’re reading a Pootergeek post and you realise you have no idea what the hell is going on, but you continue because you’re sure it’s very clever and maybe one day you’ll understand.
• You’re sitting on the toilet and a wasp flies in
• You realise you know more about US politics than UK
• You try to rescue a daddy longlegs (crane fly, for non-UK readers) and it lands on your face.
• You find yourself talking back to (stupid) newspaper articles. On every page.
• You discover that everybody in the country has memorised their national insurance number…except you.
• You remember to take your cheque book somewhere, fill it in, realise you’ve endorsed it to Mr Fifty-Two Pounds by mistake so rip it out only to discover it’s the last one.

I was proud of myself this morning when I made a couple of phone calls and achieved what I wanted. I renegotiated my car insurance, as well as talking to the seller garage and changing the method of payment. Nothing much for most people, but I’ve been poor on the phone for much of my life, and this was quite an achievement Life coaching has certainly helped in this regard - I wasn’t terribly nervous before making the calls and didn’t come off the phone convinced that the recipient was thinking me a moron.

We’ve been told that my mortgage has been approved and the offer paperwork was put in the post on Tuesday. I was hoping for it this morning, but with luck it’ll arrive tomorrow. As a result I’ve been researching broadband, phone lines and home insurance. Good grief. It’s not particularly complex, but the sheer range of offers boggles me. Martin Lewis’ MoneySavingExpert.com is an excellent resource for saving money, but it’s easy to become bogged down in minutiae. I’m hoping to find an uncapped, decent share-ratio, 1mb broadband package for under

I’ve finally processed the photos from the Silverstone racing circuit I visited at the weekend. I’ll try to write it up at some point. The whole set is here.

I found one!

It’s a two years old Nissan Micra, and is dark blue / purple, or blurple for short. It’s not actually mine yet, but I’ve reserved it and will be picking it up next Monday. Whee! Many thanks to Ben for all his help in finding a suitable vehicle - I have somewhat stringent requirements I just need to think of a good name for it / him / her (gender has not yet been determined) (the car, not Ben.)

The lucky winner of The Pirates! In an Adventure with Whaling is my sister. I only had the one entry, but it was an extremely high quality voicemail complete with accents and much piratical language. Congrats, Jane! Your copy is winging its way…across the room

The Opera web browser is now available for free, without any advertising banners. Despite having paid for my copy, I think this is an excellent move on their part, and I hope it encourages uptake of what I consider to be the best browser around. It also means firefox has some proper competition, which can only be good for us customers