IT’S HERE! I present to you the Eurovision Song Contest Decision Making Tally Counting Act Judging Generator Machine! This astonishing chart will enable you to judge this evening’s Eurovision acts with previously unheard of clarity! Carefully chosen criteria will allow you to decide on your ideal winner, ensuring less stress, a fuller life, general happiness, sexual fulfillment and your choice of Caribbean islands! And you know what? It’s free. Yes, I have chosen to supply this incredible piece of spreadsheet perfection for no material gain.
A crack-squad of impervious monkeys have analysed every act in Eurovision history, and before hurling themselves into the nearest blast furnace produced the following categories:
- Originality (based on what you’ve seen before, not including this year)
- Dance Routine – Energy
- Dance Routine – Innuendo
- Overall Campage
- Level of Irritation
- Size of Chesticles / Package of main singers
- Visibility of Chesticles / Package of main singers
- General Exposed Flesh
- General Clothing Style
- Cheesy Smiles
- Singing Ability of main singers
This nigh-on miraculous generator also takes account of the proclivities of the public. If you are a massive fan of croonage, for example, you may award 10 points for a Michael Bolton wannabee. If you are not, however, you may award only one point and what is more remember which standard you have used for all 24 acts of the evening. Stunning. Or. What.