Dogs Rule, Cats Drool. That’s Just How It Is

March 7th, 2004 - 20:25 | 7 comments

I just saw ten minutes of Crufts, and realised I have something wrong with my brain.

I’m not really sure where to start. I don’t understand it. Any of it. Why would you train your dog to lie perfectly still for ten minutes? Why would you want your dog to run around a set of poles? Why would you want a dog to go fetch a toy, give it to you, then run behind your legs and sit down? What? What? Why? Worst of all was the part where the owners run around with their dogs, and the judges then decide which is the best dog, by seeing which conforms the most to the breed specifications. Breed specifications? What. The. Hell. How do you define what a dog is supposed to look like? It’s like saying that Charlize Theron is the perfect female, and that we should have competitions where the woman who looks most like her is deemed ‘best woman’. It doesn’t make sense. How could you possibly choose a dog to base the specifications upon? Or maybe it’s a combination of features that look good, in which case that’s totally subjective. Abu? Whatchamagoobob?

[Andrew makes flabbergasted noises for a few more minutes, until he regains the ability to speak.]

Dogs are for loving and being generally happy, bouncy and cool. This is why dogs are good. This is also why dogs are Better Than Cats. Some dogs also have many applications in work, such as sheepdogs, tracker dogs and sniffer dogs. These are the things dogs do. They do not have to lie still for ten minutes for absoloutely no good reason. No. That’s weird. It’s demeaning. What you want from a dog is for it to do doggy-like stuff that it enjoys. Whether it’s a pedigree or a mongrel (whose existence the Kennel club don’t seem to acknowledge), dogs are great. Crufts is odd. I think you’ll find I’ve won the argument now.

Kate and I have reached an understanding that when we live together we’re going to definitely need a dog, but we’ll have to forego the cat. I think that’s what we decided anyway. Yeah, I’m sure that was it.

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7 Responses to “Dogs Rule, Cats Drool. That’s Just How It Is”

1 Nodster Mar 8th, 2004 at 9:32 am

Dogs are for barking.. biting.. sniffing at strangers crotches.. and pooping on the lawn, the carpet, the neighbours backyards.. the pavement..

and im sure that isnt what was agreed
2 Lynsey Mar 8th, 2004 at 5:21 pm

What?! Cats are way better!!! They have attitude, and aren’t all whiney and needy like a dog is And they have their uses too…what about pest control? My old cat, Bill, was a huge stonking fighting machine…we used to live near some fields and once saw him traipsing across the fields with two big and very dead rats hanging out of his mouth! Go go Gadget Bill!

I like the Bacardi Breezer cat, he’s beautiful
3 Andrew Mar 9th, 2004 at 8:30 pm

Nope, I think you’ll both find that you’re wrong. Wrong as wrong can be. Cats do indeed have attitude, so much so that they only time they could care whether you lived or died is when they feel like eating. This is how a cat’s brain works:

“I’m a cat. I rock. I’m so much better than these stinky humans. I shall go wandering around killing small birds.

Now I’m hungry. I shall reduce myself to dealing with PATHETIC humans.

I am no longer hungry, and these humans can get stuffed. I don’t need them. I’m a cat.”

The film Cats and Dogs got it right. In fact I think it was a documentary.
4 Lynsey Mar 9th, 2004 at 10:04 pm

hmmm does anyone want to hear about my dream? it involved a wedding, a russian church, orange plastic chairs, and you and kate having your faces licked by a wolf…
5 Andrew Mar 10th, 2004 at 10:23 am

Well there’s a question I never thought I’d get asked. I’m intrigued…do tell.
6 Lynsey Mar 10th, 2004 at 9:28 pm

It’s quite long!! Hope that’s ok
Well I was getting married! In Russia! And all you guys were there, and my mum and dad. It was the oddest service, there were opera singers and everyone was walking around the church during it instead of sitting down. Anyway, at the end, even though we’d been sitting in pews, we all had to stack plastic orange chairs on the altar, like the end of school assemblies! And then Ben and me and you and Kate went outside and we’re standing at the top of the church steps…it all looked very Russian with Russian-y buildings and fog. You, being you, were taking photographs of the village ( ), and then Kate and I noticed behind the church was some really nice countryside and forest so we told you and we all trampled off behind the church to take more photos. Kate went running off into the long grass and then before we knew it, she was surrounded by wolves all snarling and angry :o. Ben and I legged it and you went to save Kate…when Ben and I turned round, you’d managed to scare the wolves away and were sitting beneath a tree with a friendly wolf who’d just given birth and was licking your faces!

And that’s all I can remember…I have the weirdest dreams…I had one the other night about us all sleeping over at Simon W’s house with Norris from Coronation Street…but that’s a whole other story
7 Andrew Mar 12th, 2004 at 4:19 pm

In my role as resident dream analysis expert I am convinced that this means the following:

You will get married in Russia. We’ll all be there. It’ll be a cheapo church, with most money being spent on the entertainment. Afterwards I will take the opportunity to take photographs. You girls will go wandering off, as is your want. You will be attacked by wolves. You and Ben will be wusses. I will be very brave and will single handedly subdue the wolves, even going to far as to help one of them deliver a baby. You and Ben, I’d like to point out, will still be cowering behind a bush. Though, come to think of it, you’ve just got married. So maybe cowering isn’t the right word
I expect these events to occur within a few months. It’s a complex field, dream analysis.

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