Dogs Rule, Cats Drool. That’s Just How It Is

I just saw ten minutes of Crufts, and realised I have something wrong with my brain.

I’m not really sure where to start. I don’t understand it. Any of it. Why would you train your dog to lie perfectly still for ten minutes? Why would you want your dog to run around a set of poles? Why would you want a dog to go fetch a toy, give it to you, then run behind your legs and sit down? What? What? Why? Worst of all was the part where the owners run around with their dogs, and the judges then decide which is the best dog, by seeing which conforms the most to the breed specifications. Breed specifications? What. The. Hell. How do you define what a dog is supposed to look like? It’s like saying that Charlize Theron is the perfect female, and that we should have competitions where the woman who looks most like her is deemed ‘best woman’. It doesn’t make sense. How could you possibly choose a dog to base the specifications upon? Or maybe it’s a combination of features that look good, in which case that’s totally subjective. Abu? Whatchamagoobob?

[Andrew makes flabbergasted noises for a few more minutes, until he regains the ability to speak.]

Dogs are for loving and being generally happy, bouncy and cool. This is why dogs are good. This is also why dogs are Better Than Cats. Some dogs also have many applications in work, such as sheepdogs, tracker dogs and sniffer dogs. These are the things dogs do. They do not have to lie still for ten minutes for absoloutely no good reason. No. That’s weird. It’s demeaning. What you want from a dog is for it to do doggy-like stuff that it enjoys. Whether it’s a pedigree or a mongrel (whose existence the Kennel club don’t seem to acknowledge), dogs are great. Crufts is odd. I think you’ll find I’ve won the argument now.

Kate and I have reached an understanding that when we live together we’re going to definitely need a dog, but we’ll have to forego the cat. I think that’s what we decided anyway. Yeah, I’m sure that was it.