Rugby and why it sucks

Rugby is Just Weird. I don’t understand how it’s a sport.

  1. It was supposedly invented by someone called “Mr Cheaty-Cheat”, I think, who was playing football, picked up the ball and then threw himself onto the ground over the goal line. What are the odds he was losing at this point?
  2. Every time I see a clip the teams are doing exactly the same thing: chucking the ball down a little line of blokes. Neither team seems to realise, however, that this is how it always happens, so it always works. If someone said “waitagoddamnminute! They’re going to chuck the ball down the little line of blokes! I’ll put some of my men in the middle of their little line of blokes!” it might make it more interesting. But they don’t.
  3. It seems nobody could agree on a fixed set of rules, so there are two different versions. You have to take great pride in which version you think good and which you think pants, because then you can argue with people and forget how stupid it is there are two different versions in the first place.
  4. This is the big one. If someone scores a try, they get 5 points. In any other sport, this would be all that happened. But no, they then get to get 2 more points by kicking the ball between two very wide and very tall posts, with nothing in the way. The other team aren’t allowed to hinder them. This is difficult stuff. They have to be able to kick a ball in a certain direction! It’s their full time job learning how to do this, but that’s ok. The only element of chance when kicking the ball, unobstructed, through two very wide and very tall posts, when it’s their job to do stuff like this, is whether they get nervous in front of a crowd. That’s it. If they manage to get the ball between the two very wide and very tall posts, they get 2 free points. Can you name any other sport in which this happens? I think we should introduce this into athletics. If someone is winning after the first 400m of the 800m, everyone else should be made to stop for 2 seconds, while the winning athlete carries on running, but has to jump over a hurdle or something. No, not a hurdle. A javelin. Lying sideways. That’d be fair. Sounds like this rule was also created by ‘Mr Cheaty-Cheat’, when he realised he was losing a match (again).

I bet you never realised before how silly the whole thing is, did you? Well now you do, and can go about your daily routine unhindered by one more Silly Thing Not Worth Getting Worked Up Over.

You’re welcome.